I didn’t love myself as much as I loved the other person…

I closed my eyes, and all I feel that pain in my stomach. The pain moved through my veins to reach my brain and struck me. It wasn’t just a headache. I was something worst. I tried to calm myself, but all I could feel was that endless pain. That feeling of pain crushed my soul, leaving nothing behind. Suddenly the pain disappeared, and my thoughts disappeared with it. Am I dead? Will I feel peace after what I have done? It was very dark, but I wasn’t afraid of it.

After a while, I heard a whisperer. Telling me in a feeble sad voice, “You did this to us.”. I turned around nothing but darkness. I closed my eyes and wished it would be light so I could see anything, but how could that happen after what I had done. I freaked out, then started screaming. No one could hear me. I cried and fell on my knees and said, “What I have done?”. I let my sorrow control me. I remembered that throbbing pain.

I was looking on the ground crying when I saw the feet of someone standing in front of me. I looked at the person in front of me. Then I realized that I might be in hell. I saw myself standing in front of me with one arm and half face. I stood up, touched him then said, “I am sorry.”. I felt a burn in my left arm; I looked at it, and there were words on my arm. “Sorry is not enough.” It Was burning into my soul.

I don’t remember how much time passed. Suddenly I heard a voice, “follow the light.” So I followed the light and felt that pain in my stomach. Am I in heaven? If I am in heaven, why am I feeling this pain? Now my visions became clear. I saw my parents standing next to me. I will never forget that angry, sad and frustrated look on their faces. Now it hurts more than ever. I couldn’t look at them or looked them in the eyes. I closed my eyes, and a crazy waterfall of tears started. I could feel my father’s hand on my face wiping my tears.

My father said, “You are here,” and kissed me on my forehead with a fragile voice. I could feel his tears falling on my forehead. I couldn’t open my eyes. I couldn’t face them.

The pain I felt shattered my soul to pieces. I don’t think I will ever collect my soul again. And I don’t think I would earn my parent’s trust again. At that moment, I kept closing my eyes so hard and wishing that I was actually dead.

After hours, I fell asleep, and I had a dream. I was standing on the lake, looking at the water. Then, someone came to me and said, “It will get better, but you need to promise me don’t ever do it again.” he looked at me and smiled. I still remember his smile. So I promised him then he left before I had a chance to ask him anything.

A few days later, I was discharged from the hospital. Few days of awkward silence. My parent did not talk to me. I could sense my father’s anger. They took me to the car. I sat behind and kept looking at the window. I couldn’t look at them. I can feel my father looking at me through the rearview mirror. I could feel a tremendous amount of his anger. I started breathing heavily. Suddenly my father stopped the car and hit the steering wheel hard and yelled, “Do you want to die? Let’s die”. He drove the car so fast. All I heard was my mother begging him to stop the vehicle. I couldn’t see a thing as my vision was blocked by my tears and feelings.

I couldn’t say a word. I was frozen by my fear of losing my parents. At that moment, I realized that I was just an immature, silly emotional boy. So I closed my eyes and shouted, “Please don’t hurt yourself because of me.

I felt the air around me had changed as the car stopped and my father calmed down. Finally, the emotional storm comes to an end, but I still feel guilty. My father opened the door and went out. He was looking at the sky, hiding his tears so I could not see it. Then he opened the car door, pulled me. I felt his warmth when he hugged me tightly. My mother joined us, and it was a huge hug for me. I couldn’t stop crying. “we love you, son. We are here for you.”. “Please forgive me,” that is what I asked my parents with a low voice. I thought they didn’t hear me, but you know parents can listen to their child whisperer. My father looked at me and said with tears, “promise me you won’t do it again.”.

At that moment, I realized that I didn’t love myself as much as I loved the other person. So, with a broken heart, I carried myself to the unknown. I am standing now with a broken heart, promising myself that I would never put my parents in the same position. One teardrop from my parents is worth the whole world and my life. So, I am standing now with a broken heart, promising myself that I would build myself a shelter from any emotional storm I could feel and witness. I am standing now with a broken heart, promising myself that I would smile and be strong, not for me but for my parents.